Day 1: 30 Day Shred - level 1

In keeping with my yearly fitness goals, I invested in Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, shown here:



I thought to myself, it's 22 minutes long, it's a DVD, it promises results (20 lbs in 30 days!!!!11!). I'm not in awful shape; I don't need to lose a whole TWENTY pounds. How bad can it be?

Excuse me while I laugh myself sick.

There I was, in my local Target, eyeing the DVD case. It said all I would need would be some hand weights and a mat. I have a mat! I bought it for pre-natal yoga, which ended in a big, fat, low-blood-pressure induced FAIL. I grabbed peeenk 2 lb hand weights. Hurrah!

And this morning, laced into my sneakers and sports bra, I entered misery. 25 minutes later, I crawled upstairs, vomited in the shower, and wondered if it would be awful to toss the DVD into the firepit.

The warm up was fine. 2 minutes of loose stretches. No cute-sy dance moves, no elongated stretches. Good; Jillian, Anita and Natalie cut right to the chase. I like that. I have a napping baby to consider. It is critical that my workouts and showers fit into the length of one Screen Themes CD, which seems to be all he wants to sleep in the morning.

Next up, the real workout, Level 1. This involves 3 sets each of 3 minutes of strenght training, 2 minutes of cardio and 1 minute of abs. I dread the ab work, but my fears are misplaced. First Jillian tells me that if I'm a sissy baby, I'll follow along with Anita, who does the modified version of her exercises. Anita is gorgeous and toned and has a friendly face. I think to myself that hey, this IS level 1. I bet I can keep up with Natalie. Anita and I will hang together through the pushups (yes, I do girly ones), and then it's me and Natalie, all the way.

And oh. my. god. How is she squatting like that???? My knees are popping just looking at her!!! Holy crap!! Um, Anita? Hai! Remember me? I'm back! We'll hang together, mkay?

Another fun fact about Jillian? She doesn't really seem to believe in water breaks and hydration. Let's face it: neither do I, seeing as how I hate water, and all. However, today, I was willing to make an exception if it would buy me just a few precious seconds of rest. But Jillian says NO. No breaks. If you MUST take a moment, and by MUST she means that your only other viable option is falling down dead, then you get 5 seconds and she wants to see your ass back on the mat. After all, you don't get to look like Natalie by drinking water! And quite frankly, I'm not so sure I want to disappoint Natalie or Jillian, seeing as how they both look like they could snap a human neck with their pinky finger.

Round 2 of the 3-2-1 routine. I have no idea why my shoulders are burning. My child weighs 28 pounds. I carry him around all. the. time. I heft him over my head! There is no way that presses with dinky 2 lb weights can possibly be getting to me! I'm almost pissed about it. And Jillian has stepped up her game too, telling me how I better not dare give up. That they do this crap constantly on the Biggest Loser and it's no big deal. Yeah, I saw you handcuff that guy to the treadmill. I know how you operate. At this point, I want to cry, but I'm afraid she'll see me through the TV screen and yell. Or have Natalie kick my ass.

Round 3. I stumble through. It's more of a cooling down sequence, prior to the actual cooldown. This means that mercifully, I don't have to do more pushups, but that I do have to do a straight 60 minutes of bicycle crunches. Hey, Anita? When we said modified, I was prepared for ... I don't know... something easier that what Glamazon Natalie is doing over there. To my untrained eye, it looks like the exact same thing. So if you could help me out, that would be super. Anita, can you hear me?

And then the real cool down. At this point, I'm panting and delirious. The pugs rally around me, offering supportive licks and snorts. I hope they stay close so I can send them off with SOS notes, if necessary. Tomorrow, I'll be sure to tape my cell phone to my thigh, just in case there's an emergency.

I'm going back. I'm scared not to. The abs weren't as bad as I thought they would be. The strength brought me to the heights of pain. I realize that I'm not in as decent shape as I thought I was and that needs to change stat. It's nice because I'm not doing ridiculous jazzercise or anything like that, and it's down and dirty, the way I like it.

And really, it's only 22 minutes.