How I Finally Justified a Pair of Christian Louboutins

The siren song of the crimson-soled Christian Louboutin has been lodged in my subconscious for longer than I care to admit. Of course, there is absolutely no reason for me to own a pair of several-hundred/thousand-dollar shoes, especially now, when my foot wardrobe consists of 2/$5 Old Navy flip flops (practical AND comfy AND cute).

However, the events of the last 15 hours have shown me that such a massive splurge may not be so out of the question after all.

Let me share my story.

Last night, I went up to bed. DH took the pugs out for their last walk of the night. As he opened the door to come in, I heard a squeal. It's the same squeal we all have when we walk through a spider web. You know what I'm talking about.

I heard the door open a few times and some additional sounds of disgust. When he finally made it to the bedroom, he informed me that there was a snake on the front porch.

Oh. Really.

I don't hate a lot of things. The list is actually quite short.

1. Pedophiles
2. Bigots
3. Brussel Sprouts
4. Snakes

So the fact that there is #4 on my front porch is, in fact, a huge problem for me.

He said that it was in the corner by the outlet for the Christmas lights. He was quite proud that he had used a broom to scoot it over and then used the broom handle to shut off the outside lights.

I let this information digest for a moment. He could not give me a description other than that it was about two feet long and "thismuch" around (insert hand gesture), and I decided that I needed to get a look at our little friend.

I turned on all the lights and went outside (via the garage, as I am never using the front door again). I looked around from a safe distance, and didn't see anything. DH had followed me and he walked up to the porch and pointed.

"There's it's tail."

And there is was, indeed. I rushed inside, got my camera with its special wildlife zoom lens, and snapped off this picture.



DH then got a shovel and tried to scoot it out. It was hiding behind this column that is on the front of the house. It kind of oozed through to the side I was on, as shown.



I was trying to get a picture of the head, but #4 wasn't playing nice.



I then suggested that we use the hose to blast it out and then he could do something to it with the shovel.

This was a great plan, in theory. We were not counting on the fact that there seems to be a hole in this particular column, into which #4 curled up when it was assaulted with the water.

So. Now we have a #4 laying in wait. Fantastic.

I promptly uploaded the pictures to the internet and hit DH with a barrage of questions. I pulled up all the snake photos on Google Images that I could and kept asking DH to compare and tell me if anything matched. Of course, nothing did. I posted on Facebook, inviting my more knowledgeable friends to give their opinion on the matter. I was half-crazed with panic.

Of course, this morning, #4 was either holed up in our column or had scampered off somewhere to sunbathe. I have no way of telling.

DH called the city. They connected him to Animal Control who told him that he would need to call some wildlife people, as they only handle cats and dogs.

To our surprise, our friend K informed us that there are companies that handle this kind of thing. DH called and got in touch with a "snake tech." For the sake of this story, we will call him One Eye McGee. In my mind, he looks a little bit like this:



Which is exactly how you want your snake hunters to look.

One Eye McGee informed DH of the following facts:

1. He doesn't know what kind of snake it is but even if it's not venemous, that doesn't mean it's not dangerous. A snake can turn on you and attack in an instant!

2. We've been getting lots of snake activity because it's getting cold and the snakes are looking for a place to hibernate. The good news is they will be dormant through winter. The bad news is that when they wake up, they will come out with hundreds and hundreds of babies.

3. It will be about $400 the first month for his service. He may not catch the snake, but he will lay traps and spread "granules" (yeah, see, we have DOGS AND A CHILD!!!) and he'll poke around for our snake. Of course, if we see the snake again, we can call him and he'll come get it and that's included in the $400.

I started crying somewhere between Fact #1 and Fact #2.

DH tried to assure me that One Eye is a salesman, as well as a snake tech, and he's just trying to make it seem worse than it is so we'll buy what he's selling. Translation: he doesn't love me enough to shell out $400 to instill in me a false sense of comfort and security. Clearly, he doesn't realize how much this is going to cost him in long term therapy for me.

K called her dad for us and he agreed that this snake probably isn't out to hurt us. He suggested just waiting for it to slither on its way and then caulking up the column. Personally, he can slither or not. I'm caulking that bad boy up, with a snake or without. We also received the advice to spread mothballs (where Turtle and the dogs can't get to them) and possibly spray lime juice in the area. I have some leftover margarita mix - I wonder if that will have the same effect.

I am also considering checking out Craig's List to see if there are any people out there who just want the opportunity to take a whack at a snake. Maybe they're trying to get a job in Game and Wildlife. Maybe they're not quite right in the head. Who knows? Who cares? If they're out there, they are welcome to come and have at it.

Which brings us back to my Christian Louboutins.

The problem here is that, since I live in a somewhat warm and tropical climate, I spend much time barefoot, barelegged, flip-flopped or a combination of those. I can never go in the grass (or outside) like that again.

However, if I had a pair of THESE



I would be safe.

We all know that high quality suede and leather is an effective armour, especially against little snake fangs. My legs would be protected all the way up. And with a heel like that? Well... it would be an effective weapon in case I was attacked. And while they are more expensive then the $400 One Eye McGee was asking, they are definitely cheaper than hours on the therapist's couch. See? Everyone wins!

So thanks to you all for your kind words of support and advice. I will surely post pictures of me, spreading mothballs in my glorious new boots. :)